I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
