Don't you send me to vm
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
