By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
