My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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