then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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