either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
