I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
