yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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