I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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