Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
