your parents love me but you hate me
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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