Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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