What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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