the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
