shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
