You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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