I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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