best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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