Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
