Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
