i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
