i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
