I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
