Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
