if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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