just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sorry about my life...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
