omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
