why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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