So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
