Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.