Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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