Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
