She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
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You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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