i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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