My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize