I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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