dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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