Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
