i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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