THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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