I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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