Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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