just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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