I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
