Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
