You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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