I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
