this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
