Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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