kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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