ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
