I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
