can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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