You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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