My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
