when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
